Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Leave & Stay

“If I had the cash, I think I’d go to someplace lonely by myself. But since I don’t, I choose to stay here with the ones I love so much it hurts…” J. Gaskill

Love that line of poetry. It says a lot- it is simultaneously resigned to a dutiful present, while passionately confessional of deeply rooted connections- deep foundations of love. Anyone of us can choose to leave, cash or not. If you choose to stay, do it for love. Do it for love even if it makes you feel crazy. To love someone or something so much your heart aches is the ecstasy of our mortal coil, the essence of our humanity. I love painting that much.

I painted “Stay” and “Leave” this past May, right before a big shift in my life occurred- a change for the better that, strangely, I wasn’t consciously anticipating at the time. I felt refreshed, ashamed of the scared child inside me, and newly accepted- appreciated for who I am instead of damned for what someone wanted me to be. Weird!  I started smearing the charcoal all over and making a big mess, I got excited and started washing acrylic color right over the charcoal. This resulted in a kind of “worn”, “soiled” look to them- that when combined with the simple figures reminded me of ancient cave paintings or hieroglyphics. Perhaps a primal instinct deep inside me was sending a signal to my brain, to my hands… ?